SHY-GUY: All right, Javier listen up! I just came up with an excellent idea!
JAVIER: Are you ordering pizza? I want extra salami on mine.
SHY-GUY: Umm...ok, not quite as good--
JAVIER: Awww... Hey! I know this music.
SHY-GUY: Yep, my excellent idea is to carry a conversation, like we're doing right now, while having an excellent album as our soundtrack. You follow me?
JAVIER: But this is Speak to Me slash Breathe off Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon. Kind of an insult to call it a soundtrack, if you ask me. Which you weren't.
SHY-GUY: No, hear me out on this Javier. What I was planning to do is like a little psychology experiment where we--
JAVIER: On the Run.
SHY-GUY: Yes, On the Run. Ok, where we--
JAVIER: Are we doing like a synchronization type of wacky thing? Somewhat Wizard of Oz-ish? That was some creepy shit, man. Did you ever see that?
SHY-GUY: Umm, no actually I haven't. But I've heard about it.
JAVIER: That was a crazy, fucked up coincidence. That had to be planned by Waters from the start. So is that sort of what we're doing here?
SHY-GUY: Well, I suppose you could call that a moment of inspiration. I'm actually interested in seeing what sort of themes develop while we listen to an album at the same time. So in a way it's somewhat similar to the Wizard of Oz-Dark Side of the Moon sync.
JAVIER: Er... is this like a gimmick for the interviews, or something?
SHY-GUY: I don't know. We can run with that for a little while, to see what crazy ideas flow from your head. After all, you kinda hit an awful road block when I asked you to come up with a story some--
JAVIER: Time.
SHY-GUY: I'm sorry?
JAVIER: I said, Time.
SHY-GUY: What? Are you kicking me out? What did I do?
JAVIER: You're not being quiet while we listen to one of the best songs of all time, that's what you're doing. So annoying. Every time that happens I just want to shout "Shut up for a couple minutes and listen to the awesomeness of this tune!"
SHY-GUY: But... oh, yeah, I get it now. Time THE song. Ha-ha. How silly, well, it's exactly what--
JAVIER: Shush, here it comes.
SHY-GUY: Umm, yeah that's David Gilmour on vocals.
JAVIER: And there's Richard Wright, but quiet, I can't hear with you blabbering.
SHY-GUY: No, ok you gotta understand what we're trying to accomplish. It's not about carefully listening to the record--
JAVIER: Gilmour solo. More respect, please.
SHY-GUY: Dude, you can listen attentively to this album any other day. I mean, we're not even supposed to talk about the record, but about all sorts of different subjects that could come up while the album plays in the background.
JAVIER: You want us to pretend as if we're in a bank lobby or a department store? I would hardly refer to a Pink Floyd album as muzak. Even Division Bell had its moments. Or... so I've heard. I've never listened to that album. The only track I know is that one with the awesome guitar riff... umm...
SHY-GUY: Oh yeah, I think I know which one you're talking about. But that one is from Momentary Lapse of Reason, I believe--
JAVIER: You sure?
SHY-GUY: No. Not really. I don't have those notes with me at the moment.
JAVIER: I expect you to know this sort of stuff. Heh, there's the Great Gig in the Sky.
SHY-GUY: Yeah. Ok, can we start with the experiment?
JAVIER: What?
SHY-GUY: You remember? My idea that I was trying to explain to you?
JAVIER: Oh. No, no I don't remember. But I'll play along. Sure.
SHY-GUY: Well, see all we're basically supposed to do is to carry out a conversation while we have an excellent album, in this case Dark Side of the Moon, playing in the background.
JAVIER: Like we're doing right now. Oh, there's them cash registers!
SHY-GUY: Yeah. But let's try not to address the album jus--
JAVIER: Money!
SHY-GUY: ...
JAVIER: It's a gas!
SHY-GUY: We can always abort this if we're not going to go anywhere--
JAVIER: What? Hey, where you going?
SHY-GUY: Wherever I have someone who will listen.
JAVIER: Oh, Aww, I'm sorry, don't get so upset.
SHY-GUY: I mean, if you're going to keep ignoring me this way, what's the point of having an interviewer. Might as well interview yourself, you know?
JAVIER: Pfft. Come on ma, don't be such a patsy.
SHY-GUY: What the hell's a patsy?
JAVIER: I'm not exactly sure, but listen hey, I think I know where you're going with this. I'm actually interested. See? I'm not even talking about the album anymore... despite the killer guitar riffs at the moment.
SHY-GUY: But... we're already at the halfway point.
JAVIER: Us and Them is like 10 minutes long. We can chat about many crazy things in that time lapse. So whaddaya say? Best buddies again?
SHY-GUY: I didn't realize we were best buddies to begin with.
JAVIER: Just work with me here, man.
SHY-GUY: Aww right, yea yea yeah.
JAVIER: Cool.
SHY-GUY: So--
JAVIER: Money sucks.
SHY-GUY: I thought we had agreed that we weren't going to touch the subject of the album that's playing.
JAVIER: Hahaha! Don't be a fool, the song is awesome. I mean money. Actual money. Capital. $hit. I thought we were supposed to talk about the stuff that came to mind while having the music playing in the back of our minds?
SHY-GUY: Oh, all right. You're right. So... tell us this whole money industry. What are your thoughts on the whole capitalist concept of globalization and the free market?
JAVIER: Uhh?
SHY-GUY: ...
JAVIER: Oh right. Well, I don't know. The song that's on right now makes me kinda melancholic. I don't feel like talking about money anymore.
SHY-GUY: Fine. I'll go with that. That's the point of this experiment anyway. To let the music guide your emotions and your thoughts.
JAVIER: Mmm. I how intriguing. An exercise in manipulation.
SHY-GUY: So, how do you feel?
JAVIER: I don't know. A bit sad. That's the effect of David's voice I guess.
SHY-GUY: All right. So what subjects come to mind at this moment?
JAVIER: Space. Shark Week. Saxophone makes me think of present worries.
SHY-GUY: Worries such as...?
JAVIER: Time. For the most part. Yeah, how odd that this is the main theme of this album, but that's what I associate it with. The very brief time that we have in the day to get anything done and still find the minutes to enjoy it.
SHY-GUY: How did you pass this particular day?
JAVIER: Well, I watched the fifth week in the current NFL season, I read the latest news magazines. Some books here and there. And this... thing that we're doing at the moment. Wait a sec. I think the synths are, umm, what's the word?
SHY-GUY: Making it worse?
JAVIER: No, I mean, they're cheering me up a bit. Not a whole lot, but just enough to compel me to think of something else. Hmmmmm. Love is one that quickly springs to the forefront, but consciously I rather not go into detail about that.
SHY-GUY: I see. Maybe we'll dig that up a little later.
JAVIER: Perhaps.
SHY-GUY: So what else is brewing under that head of yours?
JAVIER: Hmmm. Politics. Yeah. Shit, I have this love/hate relationship with politics. I am fascinated by the drama and the characters, but my main problem is that I don't have a lot of people to cheer for. Especially in the Mexican stage. Fucking self-obsessed lunatics. Where are the good guys here?
SHY-GUY: Can you think of one?
JAVIER: Uhmm... Seriously... no. No I can't. Every one of those assholes are what they are. Honestly speaking, I don't think there's one pf them I would let watch my car for even a minute. That's if I had a car, of course.
SHY-GUY: Why the personal distrust of politicians?
JAVIER: Well, because they can't do their functions right. Is that simple. being a politician is a job that is not very well defined in this country. Politicians are basically servants. They represent the interests of their constituents, but that's hardly the case when you look at Congress and you see all these well-dressed and middle age clowns sitting around, whispering about, laughing over God knows what, under the gaze of historical portraits and imposing architecture--
SHY-GUY: Right, well there's the heartbeat. This album is about to come to an end.
SHY-GUY: Ok. This is the part where you tell us a story?
JAVIER: A story?
SHY-GUY: Yep.
JAVIER: Ok. Any kind of story?
SHY-GUY: Yep yep.
JAVIER: All right... so, is this a story of my own creation, or like a... favorite story of my past--
SHY-GUY: Your own. Stream-of-consciousness narrative stuff.
JAVIER: Ok. But does it have to have a beginning, a middle, and an end, and all that silly shit? Exposition, climax, everything?
SHY-GUY: Whatever, just entertain our readers. If you find those tools necessary to facilitate the understanding of your tale, then I suppose we are the better for it.
JAVIER: Hmmm. All right. I'll take it up. No censorship right?
SHY-GUY: Nope. Be as dirty as a pig bathing in its own shit.
JAVIER. Fuck it. Hahaha! All right... just give me a minute to set my mind at ease. I gotta focus here.
SHY-GUY: Fuck that focus foolishness. Just go for it. Ready?
JAVIER: Nou...
SHY-GUY: One.
JAVIER: Uhhmm--
SHY-GUY: Two.
JAVIER: So how about them cowboys?
SHY-GUY: Three. Hit me.
JAVIER: Many, many, many, many years ago... or so it seems, there was a young lad by the name of Andrew. He was a fighter for the Israeli army. Retired. Two children, wife, lived on the rocky hills of Denver, Colorado. He was attracted to the romantic ideal of the American dream. The land of opportunity and second chances. So why not?
He had done a lot of terrible stuff over there in the land of King David. He wasn't proud of it. He sought a honorable discharge, and left the country for good. He lived for a couple of years in Madrid, then in Dublin, and finally moved back to Barcelona. He loved Spain a lot. Very peaceful, down to earth country, you know.
But one day, when he was about 39 he thought, "Shit, let's do America. Why the fuck not?" The man was a computer programmer. Very good at what he did. Over in Spain he worked for an international corporation whose headquarters were located in Denver, and, umm....
All right... I don't feel like it anymore.
SHY-GUY: Why? What's wrong? That wasn't so bad, considering it was all off the top of your head.
JAVIER: I don't know. I just can't....er, concentrate in this shit at the moment, that's all.
SHY-GUY: Why?
JAVIER: Something's naggin me. Perhaps tomorrow.
SHY-GUY: Ok, sure. Wanna chat about something else?
JAVIER: A few years ago I purchased a CD titled The Velvet Underground & Nico. You know, the one with the Andy Warhol banana cover?
SHY-GUY: Right. The one with “Femme Fatale”, “Sunday Morning, “Heroin”… Way too many classic tracks on that album.
JAVIER: Yeah, well at the time I didn’t really think so. I used to think it was rather boring and inaccessible. I couldn’t see what the big deal was or why they were regarded so highly among the cool kids. I was led to believe that the only ones who “get it” were those fans who apparently drank the wrong glass of Kool-Aid, if you follow my drift.
SHY-GUY: Yeah, I think I follow you—
JAVIER: You have to be at least this “high” to enter—
SHY-GUY: Yes. I saw what you did there—
JAVIER: Think Grateful Dead but with a handful of arty geeks instead of hundreds of smelly hippies.
SHY-GUY: I think everybody got the message some time ago.
JAVIER: The only reason I first bought it was because it was ranked so highly on so many “Best Albums of All Time” lists among the mainstream publications. Add to the fact that everybody on the hipster scene worships Lou Reed while everybody on the pseudo-elitist message boards adores John Cale. Therefore, this album was a “must” if I ever wanted to build my “cred”. At the time, I was just getting into music and album collecting, so I was under the impression that this was one of the most essential albums. And if it was right up there, alongside the Stones and the Floyd, then I thought it was going to be as catchy and groovy as any other classic 60s album. And boy... was I wrong about that! I bought it, went home, put the CD on my stereo, hit play, and guess what? Three or four songs later I was knocked out on my bed.
SHY-GUY: You felt dead asleep?
JAVIER: Yeah! Next morning I decided to give it another chance. I put the CD, hit play and once again, three or four songs later I was knocked out on my bed. I had found an alternative cure to insomnia!
SHY-GUY: So you couldn’t get into the Velvet Underground?
JAVIER: That’s exactly right. So what I did, as was the case with some other records I never liked, I placed it on the shelf among the others in my growing collection according to alphabetical order (or chronological order, or genre order or whatever my “order” mood was at the time) and I never listened to it again.
SHY-GUY: Never?
JAVIER: No, no. I mean, fast forward a few years later, my ears are rather more receptive to all sorts of styles of music. My taste in different genres is more sophisticated and I was more open-minded to all sorts of sounds. Additionally, I had read how the VU created the original template to the modern Indie music scene. In other words, the alternative to the alternative. As I became more educated in pop/rock history, I began to greatly appreciate the works of many artists that I had previously dismissed. One night, I pulled my copy of the “banana peel” album off the shelf. It was like a brand new CD. The jewel case, as fragile as they are, didn’t have a scratch on it. I put the CD on, hit play, and I start listening to The Velvet Underground & Nico from beginning to end, the way these albums are meant to be enjoyed. I’m telling you man, it was incredible. Everything just clicked inside my head the moment I hear the first sweet notes on John Cale’s celesta. I mean, how in the hell did I not love this song the on the day I first listened to it? Wow. It was like listening to “Sunday Morning” with a new pair of ears. I thought to myself, “so that’s what they hype was all about.” Definitely one of the best records of all time. And the most curious thing of all was that here I’ve owned this album for so long and I couldn’t begin to approach it until now.
SHY-GUY: Were you high?
JAVIER: No.
SHY-GUY: Are you high right now?
JAVIER: No, dude!
SHY-GUY: So what’s the moral of this story?
JAVIER: The moral of this story my dear friend is that music is an acquired taste. I believe that the best records can best be appreciated by those who have developed an ear that is sophisticated enough to process the full sonic expression of the musician’s intended artistic message. But wait, there are times when people come up to me and tell me: “Hey Javier, this music is so weird. Are you really digging this sound?” or “Your taste in music is so strange. You have to be really messed up in the head to get into this.” Oh, well excuse me for seeking out far more fascinating and interesting bands than your favorite MTV2 pop star or rapper! Why don’t you go back to your car and tune in to FM radio and maybe you’ll catch Maroon 5’s newest hit. You don’t want to miss it because they won’t play it again for the next thirty minutes or so.
SHY-GUY: Hmmm. What’s the secret to expanding your musical taste?
JAVIER: It’s quite simple really. You just listen to music again, and again, again, and again, again. Every single day. You have to keep in mind that both the human body and the brain are a mold that can be shaped through constant repetition. This concept can be applied to all sorts of other activities. For example: If you want to be strong, you lift weights every day. If you want to be a great painter, you draw every day. If you want to be one of the best engineers, you study every day. If you want to be a great guitarist, you practice every day for as long as you fingers can go. And “taste” is no exception to this rule. If you want to expand your cultural horizons, so to speak, you watch as many movies as you can, you listen to as many albums as you can, you read as many great works of literature as you can. Repetition, repetition, repetition. But let it be known that this is not a mindless exercise. You’re not listening to an album for the sole purpose that you may move on to the next album and so on. As a listener, you also have to devote a little mental effort to what the artist is trying to accomplish with a record. You’ve got to pay attention to the lyrics, figure out the theme of the album, get in sync with the mood that the music generates. It’s not just a matter of sitting back, crossing your arms and say “Ok, I paid 15 bucks for this disc. Whattayagot? I demand to be entertained and you only get one shot!” That’s why bands like the Talking Heads, Devo, Animal Collective, Sigur Ros or anything Brian Eno’s ever made don’t appeal to a mainstream audience. You know, that massive audience for which Adult Oriented Rock or Adult Alternative is manufactured for. But they still have their loyal base of supporters that follow them around like a cult and buy all their records. But the truth of the matter is that the Brian Eno fan is not a creepy freak that lives in a dark cave somewhere in New Hampshire surrounded by giant computers that go “beep-bop”. He’s just a typical average guy who happens to listen to a shitload of music in his spare time. Probably in his working hours as well.
SHY-GUY: I doubt someone who’s not into music is going to listen to a record by Brian Eno or David Byrne and immediately turn into an audiophile.
JAVIER: I believe there is a trajectory one must follow to get to the point where someone has enough credibility to objectively judge what is good or what is bad.
SHY-GUY: But isn’t taste subjective. I don’t think you can have the same preferences as anyone else.
JAVIER: Yeah, I agree. Taste is indeed subjective. But we must also make the intellectual distinction that there is a difference between good or bad. It’s not a matter of opinion, and anyone who thinks otherwise is deluding himself.
SHY-GUY: But how can you say, for example, that Bob Dylan is a “Good” artist? Even the great Bob Dylan produced his share of lousy recordings along the way.
JAVIER: That’s precisely what I mean. You cannot objectively say that Dylan was good or bad. You cannot objectively say that Metallica is a good band or a terrible band. The key adverb here is “objectively”. An artist’s style of music is a matter of personal taste; There are fans who only listen to metal or punk while there are others who cannot get into anything else except Jazz. Taste is indeed subjective. However, an artist’s WORK can be judged according to the generally accepted principles of excellence. I’m talking about the work itself here. The final output. Example! Joy Division may be one of my favorite bands, but other people may not stand their style of bass heavy, evil post-punk. However, these people can say whatever they want, but that’s not going to change THE FACT that “Love Will Tear Us Apart” is a Good song. And that’s not my opinion, that’s just reality. The evidence is in the pressing.
SHY-GUY: Eh, I’m not completely convinced. What do you mean by “generally accepted principles of excellence”? How is it decided that a song is either “good” or “bad”? Was there like a clandestine committee out there that created an x-number of guidelines that an artist must follow to make a good song?
JAVIER: Now that’s just silly talk. No dude, there’s no secret committee or anything like that. All you have to do is to attentively listen to the song, and if you are cultivated music listener with an open-mind, you will realize that this particular song… is good. There’s no science to it.
SHY-GUY: So it is a matter of personal opinion!
JAVIER: Ahhhh! How can I explain this without my head exploding? Listen, I’m pretty sure I’m going to touch on this subject again when we talk about, I don’t know, movies or books. So why don’t we skip this argument until then?
SHY-GUY: Mmm. Let us do as you wish then.
JAVIER: Great.
SHY-GUY: What is your favorite band?
JAVIER: God-dammit!
SHY-GUY: I beg your pardon.
JAVIER: I’m sorry, it’s just that—
SHY-GUY: Did I forget something?
JAVIER: No, no. It’s just that… do you really have to ask that question?
SHY-GUY: You mean “What’s your favorite band?” Seems like a pretty innocent question to me.
JAVIER: Oh come on… It’s such a tired cliché! Where is this interview going to be printed? The fourth page in the USA Today’s Life pages?
SHY-GUY: Hey now. We’re proud of our journalistic integrity in the Evil CXB Corporation.
JAVIER: Well, surely you can do better than “What’s your favorite – insert product or service here”…
SHY-GUY: Could we just get your answer for the record?
JAVIER: Fine, fine fine finefinefine. Sigh. Let’s just say my favorite band is The Beatles and everybody else is fighting for second place.
SHY-GUY: Well, that wasn’t so difficult.
JAVIER: And here’s a little controversy for you. That question that you just asked me has only one correct answer and I gave it to you.
SHY-GUY: Didn’t you say a few minutes ago that your choice of favorite artists was a matter of personal taste?
JAVIER: Yeah, but you have to understand that the Fab Four are the exception that proves the rule. You want proof of the divine variety? I believe there is a passage in the second chapter from the Book of Genesis that is often overlooked by the church. It goes like this: By the seventh day God hath finished the work he hath done; so on the seventh day he rested from all the work he hath done. And God created a pair of Bose headphones which he blessed, took out his CD of the White Album and listened to it. And he sayeth to his children Adam and Eve, “Let it be known that The Beatles are the perfect band, and any Philistine who disagrees shall be stoned to death. For I am a loving God.” I should point out that I’m paraphrasing.
SHY-GUY: I can tell The Beatles are your favorite band.
JAVIER: You won’t find that passage in the King James version.
SHY-GUY: What about other bands?
JAVIER: What about them?
SHY-GUY: Are there any other artists that you want to mention that have, I don’t know, influence you and whatnot?
JAVIER: Yeah, I guess so.
SHY-GUY: …Like…
JAVIER: I don’t want to be here all day, y’know.
SHY-GUY: Ok. What if I mention a few notable bands and you tell me what you think of them?
JAVIER: Fair enough. Shoot away.
SHY-GUY: Nirvana.
JAVIER: Umm. They’re awright.
SHY-GUY: Neil Young.
JAVIER: Yea-um. He’s good.
SHY-GUY: Right, right. The Who?
JAVIER: They’re pretty good too. I like the Who.
SHY-GUY: All right, we have to stop right here.
JAVIER: What’s wrong? Those were some fine musicians that you mentioned.
SHY-GUY: Yeah, but what am I supposed to do with these answers? “Awright”, “pretty good”, “I like them”. My editor is going to fry me if I bring her this material.
JAVIER: Ha! Nirvana, Neil Young, The Who. Who else did you have in mind?
SHY-GUY: Let’s see…Radiohead, The Doors, Prince, David Bowie…
JAVIER: Jesus Christ! Spare me a Bible man! What else do you want me to say about these guys that hasn’t been said before a billion times already?
SHY-GUY: Hmm. Would there have been a difference in your reaction if I were to ask you about more obscure bands?
JAVIER: I don’t think so. But please, I’m curious enough to ask you which bands you think of as “obscure”.
SHY-GUY: I’m thinking along the lines of The Soft Boys, Magazine, Public Image, Cocteau Twins—
JAVIER: I would be hard pressed to peg those bands with the “obscure” label. These days there may be only a small number of music geeks familiar with late 70s underground bands like The Soft Boys, Magazine, The Cramps or The Flesh Eaters but back in those days they enjoyed a similar level of popularity compared to the followings created by local-indie acts.
SHY-GUY: What bands would you consider to be “obscure”?
JAVIER: Only the ones I haven’t listened to, obviously. And there are literally thousands of them. Any kid with a guitar, a laptop and a MySpace Music or YouTube account can be considered a “rock band”. So let’s not go there.
SHY-GUY: O-kay. Let me backtrack a little. How did you go from music indifference to fanaticism.
JAVIER: “Fanaticism” carries with it such a powerful connotation. I don’t think I’ve reached that level yet. After all, I only have around 400 CDs, 300 LP records and 20 Gigabytes worth of songs in my computer… probably more than that, I’m not too sure. I expect a fanatic to have, at the very least, 5,000 albums. Music is a food source for this type of human being. But back to your question! Mmmmm. I believe I started listening with earnest at the age of 18, during my first semester of college. Back then I used to live about 30 minutes away from campus, so I had to entertain myself somehow in my daily commute. Yeah, I was indifferent towards whatever the music trends were at the time, so I started by listening to the early morning talk shows in classic rock FM radio. Even though half the show’s bloc was filled by commercials, the signature prank callers and interviews were funny enough to dissuade from turning it off. And that’s how things went for the next couple of months. The soundtrack to my first year of college consisted of classic rock radio staples such as: Supertramp, REO Speedwagon, Bob Seger, Rush, ZZ Top, Lynyrd Skynyrd, BT-Overdrive, Kansas, Bon Jovi, Styx, John Mellencamp, Yes, Journey (Oh God, so much Journey), the Guess Who, um…. Thin Lizzy…
SHY-GUY: Who is that?
JAVIER: That’s the band that plays that song that goes “the boys are back in town!” and it’s got a great riff in the middle.
SHY-GUY: Oh. I think I remember that one.
JAVIER: I also got plenty of Posion, Foreigner, Stevie Ray Vaughan and Alice Cooper. But hey, it didn’t take long for me to notice how the station was playing the same songs over and over and over and over again. After a year of enduring the oldies, classic rock and 80s radio, I got fed up by all these AOR bands.
SHY-GUY: You got burned out by this style of guitar heavy album rock?
JAVIER: Well not completely, because I can still enjoy this type of music, but only in small doses. However, if my ear catches even a whisper of “Some people call me the space cowboy”[with drunken redneck accent] I pull the lever and run for the nearest fire exit. Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!
SHY-GUY: …
JAVIER: Another song I can’t stand anymore is that one that goes “But I'm a joker, I'm a smoker, I'm a midnight” something. God what an annoying riff. It’s like the guitar drank a bottle of Jack Daniels.
SHY-GUY: Wait, I believe I got it figured out!
JAVIER: Although that may be the same song.
SHY-GUY: Listen to this!
JAVIER: No, you listen to this.
SHY-GUY: …
JAVIER: Ok, go ahead.
SHY-GUY: I want to go back to your point about taste being subjective and how to judge music objectively.
JAVIER: Ugh. Do we really have to?
SHY-GUY: Try to bear with me on this one. Ok?
JAVIER: All right. Just let it be known that I’m not the only one being interviewed here.
SHY-GUY: All sarcasm aside, I agree with you that it is possible to analyze a person based on his musical preferences.
JAVIER: I don’t remember stating that—
SHY-GUY: Well, I’m merely expounding on your hypothesis that taste is merely subject to one’s own opinions. And, as well you may know, a person’s opinions are forged over a long period of time according to his own life experiences and education.
JAVIER: Don’t think me dense, but I still fail to see where you’re leading me with this.
SHY-GUY: Ah yes, yes, of course. Let me be more specific, then. Taste is indeed a matter of personal opinion, but what of the work itself? Ok, give me an example of a good song. Any good song that you can think of right away.
JAVIER: Let’s go with… Paranoid Android.
SHY-GUY: So Paranoid Android is an excellent example of a good song?
JAVIER: More like a good example of an excellent song.
SHY-GUY: Right. Well, whatever the case may be, let’s place Paranoid Android under the microscope. Tell me, what is it exactly, specifically about this song that makes it, as you define it, excellent?
JAVIER: Um… well, quite frankly, I don’t even know where to start.
SHY-GUY: What are the lyrics about?
JAVIER: Mmmm. I think it has something to do with… someone who yearns to be a king... Gucci little piggies… and how God loves his children.
SHY-GUY: In other words, you don’t know.
JAVIER: Well, not quite. I’m pretty sure it has something to do with someone who feels alienated by a world of consumerism and superficial belongings made out of plastic. Someone who can’t find inner peace when there’s all this loud chaos going on around him, and he feels like he wants to take out his frustrations on this corporate, manufactured world in some imaginary future. Of course, I might be wrong. (That’s a good song, also)
SHY-GUY: I see. And how would you rate the music?
JAVIER: Well, the song is this 6-minute blast of ultra-catchy hooks, amazing guitar solos, eerie vocal harmonies in this quiet-loud-quiet composition. I’m not a music critic, so I lack the vocabulary to properly give the song its well-deserved praise.
SHY-GUY: However, despite the fact that you cannot articulate the words and phrases to describe the intricacies of the song, you still dare to rate the song as “excellent”. That’s because, even though you can’t describe the song itself, you can at least describe your own emotions. That is, the emotions provoked by the song itself. You see, Paranoid Android is not a good song.
JAVIER: What?
SHY-GUY: Paranoid Android is not a bad song either. Ask yourself this: Can music, (or any other type of artistic work for that matter, whether it be film, painting, dance, sculpture, etc) be objectively labeled as good or bad? Excellent or terrible? Outstanding or disappointing? The honest answer is a resounding “No”. If we truly want to categorize or judge a work of art objectively we will eventually discover that art is neither good nor bad. It just is.
JAVIER: Is…?
SHY-GUY: Yes. Is.
JAVIER: Is… what?
SHY-GUY: No, that’s it. It just IS.
JAVIER: Oh. “Is”. I see. You’re like an ancient Greek philosopher now.
SHY-GUY: Well, not quite. But think of it this way: A work of art says more about ourselves than what we try to say about a work of art. Trying to judge a song or a painting is like trying to judge a rock or a river. They all exist in our realm of shape and forms. The only difference is that a song is a creation of man while a river is a creation of Nature. I suppose there’s a barrier within our unconscious which doesn’t let us judge a mountain because, quiet honestly, who are we to judge God’s creations, being one ourselves? So we limit our judgments to our own relatively petty creations.
JAVIER: I can rate a mountain range. I give the Rockies a 7.5 out of 10. Not as many good slopes for skiing as the Alps.
SHY-GUY: Yes. Very amusing.
JAVIER: You can accuse me of being skeptical, but I don’t buy it. These types of theories are proved by extreme examples. Let us compare then, Ludwig Van Beethoven’s 9th Symphony to… “We Built this City on Rock and Roll” by Starship. I dare you to claim in front of me that the 9th Symphony, the justification for the whole existence of humankind on this planet, is not better than the (arguably) worst pop song made in the last fifty years.
SHY-GUY: That is indeed an extreme example… from your perspective. But not from mine. I’m confident that 99% of the world’s population will agree with you that they prefer the 9th Symphony to “We Built this City”, but that is a matter of taste. And like you stated before, taste is subjective. The 9th Symphony, the 3rd, “Like a Rolling Stone”, “This Land is My Land”, or some avant-garde composition by Philip Glass, it doesn’t matter. They are songs. They’re nothing but expressions of the artist who created them. Just like an ordinary person speaks with words, a musician speaks with music. However, anything that is expressed by another person has the inherent power to move us, to shake us, to produce an emotional reaction out of us, whether it be strong or weak. What’s going to be your reaction when somebody who’s really, really angry and mad at you, starts yelling very loudly at you YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE! YOU SCREWED UP MY ORDER, YOU RETARD!
JAVIER: Well… I would probably get offended. (You didn't have to yell at me to make your point)
SHY-GUY: Surely you’ve been involved in situations when you’re facing someone who’s scolding you or threatening you.
JAVIER: Err, more than once. I know how it is to get really upset at somebody. I get that feeling like my face is turning red with anger while I’m trying to keep my cool. Not very pleasant.
SHY-GUY: And that is all been accomplished by an oral expression. There’s no physical contact. This is nothing but an idea shaped into words coming out of someone’s mouth. Well, music is an expression also. But its aim is, mainly, to please its listeners.
JAVIER: But I suppose that all depends on the intended message of the artist.
SHY-GUY: Yes, you’re right. Some songs are filled with euphoric anger while others are saturated with messages of hope and joyfulness. How well they communicate this message depends on the receiver, not on the sender. Why? Because the message has been sent. It’s right there in the song, that expression of pain, sorrow, lust, friendship, whatever. Some listeners are more receptive or open-minded than others, that’s the issue here. That’s why an album get a 5-star rating from some critic while the same albums gets a 3-star rating from another critic. Even though the lyrical theme of Paranoid Android, as you interpret it, is a rather bleak view of modern pop culture, the reason you think Paranoid is such an excellent song is because you rate the it according to how well the message has been received by YOU. And you can tell how effectively the message was received by the depth of your own emotional reaction (a reaction, which by the way, varies according to your current state of mind, as well as some other variants).
JAVIER: Mmm. In other words, from what I understand is that we, the fans, don’t really rate an artist as a musician, but as a communicator.
SHY-GUY: Exactly. And that’s because we can only judge what we know. Most fans don’t know anything about music. They don’t know anything about tempo, chords, time signatures, vocal notes, never mind playing a guitar, drums… I assume you don’t know how to play an instrument.
JAVIER: Err… outside of Guitar Hero, no, I’m afraid not.
SHY-GUY: Well, don’t feel bad. I don’t either. But that doesn’t exclude us from expressing our opinions over somebody’s music. However, we don’t really rate the music itself. Remember that the music is merely a vehicle for the message, a message that resonates within us and provokes an emotional reaction. The only element that we rate is how effectively that message is received by us.
JAVIER: Hmmmm. Would that theory help to explain why Pinkerton got such a bad reception at the beginning and then it changed and now it’s lauded as one of the best albums of all time?
SHY-GUY: The ridiculousness of it all it’s right there in that statement. Change. The music didn’t change. The songs that came out when the album was released are exactly the same as when the album was wildly accepted a few years later. The band didn’t go back to the studio to modify the tracks or edit out some lyrics. How stupid is that? The work is done, the words are spoken, nothing changed. The public’s opinion of it changed. The public’s opinion went from “worst album of the year” to “best album Weezer ever made”. But it’s not like Pinkerton went into the gym or studied for more hours. It was the same. Fucking. Album. All along.
JAVIER: By your own logic, I guess you could say the same thing about the expression “the album grew in me”. The album didn’t grow in me, I grew into liking the album. The same way with me and that first Velvet Underground record. The VU didn’t grow more accessible. It was me who reached a level of education and/or sophistication that I hadn’t reached before.
SHY-GUY: Exactly! Music has the ability to connect with us because of our experiences. That’s why you can tell a lot about a person just by looking at his own record collection. Or his taste in movies. Art can not only provide us with a window into an artist’s mind; the reaction created by an artistic expression also lets us analyze the mind of the listener or the viewer. After all, a work of art is basically a message that is communicated by a sender, and in this transaction, a receiver is just as essential as the sender.
JAVIER: No comprendo.
SHY-GUY: …
JAVIER: …
SHY-GUY: What?
JAVIER: …
SHY-GUY: There’s a weird woman standing behind your window.
JAVIER: JESUS CHRIST!!! WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT SHIT!!!?
SHY-GUY: Yeah, I know. It’s quite the unusual development—
JAVIER: Uh-hu…
SHY-GUY: I mean, it really took me by surprise!
JAVIER: Totally out of left field, uh?
SHY-GUY: Tell me about it! Another more proper way to put it would be like, you’re doing a blind taste at one of those promotional stands you see in the supermarket, you know which ones I’m talking about, right?
JAVIER: Yeah, yeah. The ones where sweet old ladies are offering free samples to customers.
SHY-GUY: Right, but these are the ones where they want you to try two competing products and thereafter choose which one you liked the most.
JAVIER: Hate to interrupt you there buddy, but don’t you mean which one you liked “best”?
SHY-GUY: No. I believe I’m using the correct grammar. Which one I liked… the “most”. Don’t argue with me on this.
JAVIER: As you wish, but you’ll have to get back to me on this one because now I’m not too sure.
SHY-GUY: Anyway, the story goes that you’re wearing this blindfold and you’re expecting to drink a glass of cold water, ok?—
JAVIER: Oh yeah, very refreshing.
SHY-GUY: …but when you start swallowing the stuff, and the liquid is in your throat, you realize that what you’re drinking is not water at all!
JAVIER: Yikes. I bet that realization must’ve been a shock in itself.
SHY-GUY: And after a couple of seconds of trying to figure out what the hell it was that you swallowed, you are told that you took a big gulp of CASTOR OIL!
JAVIER: Eww.
SHY-GUY: I mean, it’s not poison…
JAVIER: No kidding.
SHY-GUY: …but it was still disgusting.
JAVIER: Disgusting AND totally unexpected.
SHY-GUY: Yeah, and that’s the thing that sets this moment apart!
JAVIER: I’ll say. That’s a moment that is going to haunt for you quite awhile, my friend.
SHY-GUY: Hey, you don’t have to tell me, man. Those memories get etched into your brain like an epitaph.
JAVIER: God! That’s unbelievable. So, how were you able to get the taste out of your mouth?
SHY-GUY: Hmm?
JAVIER: The—the taste of castor oil. How were you able to remove it?
SHY-GUY: What? Oh! No, no, no no no no. That never actually happened to me—
JAVIER: The blind taste?
SHY-GUY: Oh no, I think you misinterpreted my story here—
JAVIER: So you never drank any castor oil?
SHY-GUY: No, that…that was just a… y’know, a metaphor!
JAVIER: I don’t understand, you made up that story?
SHY-GUY: No! This was simply a parable of what *really* happened to me. You remember that occurrence that took me by surprise that I was telling you about?
JAVIER: It’s just that you gave out so many details that for a moment there I thought you had really drunk castor oil.
SHY-GUY: Yeah, but that’s beside the point. I simply wanted to illustrate the nature of my predicament.
JAVIER: Oh, Ok. Then what were we talking about?
SHY-GUY: We were, umm…I’m sorry what’s the question?
JAVIER: I completely forgot what you were complaining about. This ‘predicament’ of yours.
SHY-GUY: Oh! It was just this little misadventure I had with this girl that—
JAVIER: Hold on, can you tell me what time is it?
SHY-GUY: What? Oh, it’s um. Heh, I’m not even wearing a watch. Let me check my cell phone here. It’s…almost noon.
JAVIER: Might as well get started with this interview thing, don’t you think?
SHY-GUY: Aye, you’re right. Let me just place this little gadget over here so we can get started…By the way, how are youfeeling? You’re finally getting the all-inclusive interview treatment.
JAVIER: Heh. I’m still young. I wouldn’t mind waiting a couple more years.
SHY-GUY: That may be, but my managing editor, being the Nazi cunt that she is, pushed me hard to go ahead and get yourthoughts on the record, while you’re still alive.
JAVIER: What? Someone put a hit on me already? But I haven’t said anything. Yet.
SHY-GUY: No, it’s just that my editor has this loony personal philosophy that if we can get it done in one day, then let it be today. Otherwise, if we postpone things for tomorrow, who knows what, er, unprecedented events might happen that could prevent…you know.
JAVIER: Err…Sounds a bit weird, but it kinda makes sense.
SHY-GUY: I mean, I’m not trying to jinx you or anything—
JAVIER: No, no, that’s ok. I’m free all day anyway. I’m sorry if I forgot to ask until now, but would you like anything? Some cognac?
SHY-GUY: Ummm. No thanks. Not while I’m on the clock.
JAVIER: Oh good. ‘Cause I’m all out of cognac. I’ll help myself to a glass of rum and cola, so don’t mind me. Are you sure you don’t want anything?
SHY-GUY: Mmm. I’m cool.
JAVIER: Hey, “make yourself at home” and all that.
SHY-GUY: Ok, let’s get down to work…ugh, kinda makes it sound like an annoying chore whenever I say that.
JAVIER: Now where did I put my Ikea stiller set?
SHY-GUY: Ok listen up.
JAVIER: Ah, here it is.
SHY-GUY: This is how I think we should do this. We’re going to segment this interview into different subjects, that way we can discuss a specific subject without jumping off point and finding ourselves in the middle of an argument over something completely unrelated. We gotta stay on track. For example, we’ll have a part devoted to religion, another part devoted to politics, and then another part devoted to, I don’t know—
JAVIER: Kinky sex.
SHY-GUY: Yeah, kinky sex. And another segment that will cover…ok, you get idea. Please, feel free to be as eloquent as possible. You don’t have to worry about diction, accent, enunciation or anything of the sort. We’ll fix all that in the editing process.
JAVIER: Well that’s a relief. I can get very self-conscious [about that].
SHY-GUY: All-righty then. I’ll make some open-ended questions and you’ll just rant away to your heart’s content.
JAVIER: Sounds good. When are you going to start recording?
SHY-GUY: Oh, well, actually this thing has been recording our conversation for the last five minutes or so.
JAVIER: Really?
SHY-GUY: Yeah, just a bunch of nonsense drivel so far.
JAVIER: Are you cool if I keep a copy of the transcript?
SHY-GUY: Oh yeah, no problem with me. If you want you can even post this interview in your Facebook profile.
JAVIER: I don’t have a Facebook account.
SHY-GUY: Or MySpace, or whichever the fad of the month is nowadays. Don’t know. Don’t care. Our legal staff consists of a pet monkey in a three piece suit.
JAVIER: Aww, that’s adorable.
SHY-GUY:So you don’t have to worry about signing contracts or release statements or anything of the sort. We’re not Viacom or News Corp. here. [blink]
JAVIER: Well, enough razzle-dazzle. Where do you want me to start?
SHY-GUY: Let’s see…my first request would be for you to give us a quick introduction of yourself.
JAVIER: Like how? Like this, “Hey, how you doing, folks? Are you ready to be mesmerized, hypnotized and brainwashed until you can’t tell night from day? Then hop on aboard my friends! You’re on a one-way trip to Stockholm!” Kinda like that?
SHY-GUY: No, just a formal introduction. Imagine this is a job interview and you wanna tell the HR fellow who you are, very professional-like.
JAVIER: So you just want my name, age, and that kind of info.
SHY-GUY: Yeah. Basically.
JAVIER. Ok. It shouldn’t be a problem to pull it off quickly. >Ahem<
SHY-GUY: Umm. Go ahead.
JAVIER: La La La La. Do Re Do Re. Mi Fa Sol La Si. I – Am – Test - Ing – My - Vocal - Chords. One Two. One Two. Syphilis. Syphilis. One Two -- All right, that should be enough! Don’t want to overdo it.
SHY-GUY: That was arguably the shortest vocal warm ups that I’ve had to sit through.
JAVIER: Time is the irretrievable element, my friend. We’ve got much to ground to cover. Moving on, I’m ready for my intro. Are you ready? Good. Do I have to get closer to this thing?
SHY-GUY: No, you can lean back in your chair as if you were carrying a typical conversation with me. The recorder will be able to pick up every noise made in the room. Hopefully.
JAVIER: Awesome. Make note of the exact time, because I’m ready to roll. Edit on three. Ready. One. Two. … Maah….ugh.
SHY-GUY: What happened?
JAVIER: I’m sorry, I hit a high note there. Let me just have a little sip from my rather cold and refreshing Bacardi Rum and Coke on the rocks. Ahhhhhhhhh. That should do it. Ok, cut, take two. Edit on three. One. Two. … My name is Javier Carbajal, I’m 25 years old. I was born in Mexico City, where I’m currently residing. I’m a college graduate from the University of Houston Clear Lake with a degree in Marketing. I’m single and my favorite color is red. And black. Ok, how was that? Should I do another take or—
SHY-GUY: Oh no, no, if there’s anything to fix, we’ll do it later.
JAVIER: I think we should do another take though.
SHY-GUY: Yeah but why?
JAVIER: Well, I’m 26 years old.
SHY-GUY: More experience to you.
JAVIER: No, it’s just that---did I say I was 26 or 25. Can you go back and check?
SHY-GUY: Aw, come on—
JAVIER: I’m pretty sure I said 25. Clumsy, uh? Let’s do another take.
SHY-GUY: F-Y-I, This is not a movie.
JAVIER: Please we have to cooperate here. I’m sure you’re working on a limited budget but I wanna make sure everything comes out as perfect as humanly possible.
SHY-GUY: I don’t have you in my files as being the perfectionist type but I’ll play along. Make up!
JAVIER: No need to be a smart ass now. Stand by. Take three. Edit on three. One. Two. … Hi, you’re calling the residence of—heh, my bad, wrong mind set. Cut! Ok. Edit on three. I mean…Take Five! I mean…Four! Edit on three. One. Two. … My name is Javier Carbajal, I’m 26 years old. Umm. I was born in Mexico City. I’m a college graduate from the University of Marketing with a bachelor in Houston. I’m living in college…and shit. That came out all wrong.
SHY-GUY: We can always do this later.
JAVIER: Are you sure? Because if you want, I can give it another try. I just have to ‘Focus’!
SHY-GUY: Well, if it really were up to me—
JAVIER: Where did I put my drink?
SHY-GUY: You said it yourself, we have a lot of ground to cover.
JAVIER: Ok, Stand by.
SHY-GUY: Right.
JAVIER: Are we standing by?
SHY-GUY: Am I supposed to stand somewhere?
JAVIER: If you wish you may stand by the table to your right.
SHY-GUY: Can I stay seated?
JAVIER: Sure, no one is telling you to stand up. But do abstain from making noises. Ok, Take…what take is this?
SHY-GUY: Three, I think.
JAVIER: You think?
SHY-GUY: What? No. Wait, what are we doing? Listen, I think we got enough personal info to work with.
JAVIER: Hey, I’m always more than happy to provide the masses with valuable personal information. Are you sure you won’t need anything else?
SHY-GUY: No, that won’t be necessary.
JAVIER: My family tree? My checking account number? A copy of my driver’s license?
SHY-GUY: Ha, I’m telling you, if it weren’t for that sardonic smile, I would accuse you of being the meanest jerk walking the Earth.
JAVIER: I’m flattered. What’s next, then?
SHY-GUY: Next! We relax, and we give you a couple of minutes to collect your thoughts.
JAVIER: Ok, that’ll give me enough time to check my mailbox.
SHY-GUY: Hold on a sec, it’ll be preferable if you don’t leave the room. That way we won’t have to worry about any external sourcesof tension that might conflict with your thought processing.
JAVIER: What? I just want to check my mailbox.
SHY-GUY: Ah, you can do that after we’re done. Think about it! What if you open the mail box and you find inside a letter over some unfortunate event or an unexpected notice from the IRS, or whatever the equivalent is here in Mexico, or whoever? That letter is going to be nagging at your thoughts throughout the evening like a woodpecker and I’m not going to be able to get your full and undivided commitment.
JAVIER: Do you always talk like that?
SHY-GUY: No. But I’m supposed to tell you that during this interview we highly encourage from you dialogue of the highly intellectual type.
JAVIER: Damn. I’ll see what I can do. What about cursing or swearing?
SHY-GUY: Editorial is indifferent towards rough language.
JAVIER: Fucking ‘A’.
SHY-GUY: Another good idea would be to turn off your cell phone.
JAVIER: Yes. Very prudent.
SHY-GUY: What do you think should be first on the agenda? I’m thinking we should start talking about your school experience first.
JAVIER: Ashhhhh. Exactly the kind of topic that I wanted to leave for last.
SHY-GUY: But why? I mean, I’m sure you got some fascinating stories and insights regarding college and high school. If there are any readers out there, they are probably going to be more interested in your past than on theoretical concepts or whatever it is you want to talk about.
JAVIER: I don’t want to do school. I rather talk politics first.
SHY-GUY: What are the odds of me changing your mind?
JAVIER: Probably 1 in a million.
SHY-GUY: Fine, let’s kick start with politics then.
JAVIER: I changed my mind. Let’s do music instead
.
SHY-GUY: (*Sighs and rolls eyes) If I could only get paid by the hour.
[insert stupid canned laugh track here]
THE EVIL CXB CORPORATION PRESENTS: THE JAVIER CARBAJAL INTERVIEW
