Act 1: Yesterday I Woke Up Sucking a Lemon

JAVIER: A few years ago I purchased a CD titled The Velvet Underground & Nico. You know, the one with the Andy Warhol banana cover?

SHY-GUY: Right. The one with “Femme Fatale”, “Sunday Morning, “Heroin”… Way too many classic tracks on that album.

JAVIER: Yeah, well at the time I didn’t really think so. I used to think it was rather boring and inaccessible. I couldn’t see what the big deal was or why they were regarded so highly among the cool kids. I was led to believe that the only ones who “get it” were those fans who apparently drank the wrong glass of Kool-Aid, if you follow my drift.

SHY-GUY: Yeah, I think I follow you—

JAVIER: You have to be at least this “high” to enter—

SHY-GUY: Yes. I saw what you did there—

JAVIER: Think Grateful Dead but with a handful of arty geeks instead of hundreds of smelly hippies.

SHY-GUY: I think everybody got the message some time ago.

JAVIER: The only reason I first bought it was because it was ranked so highly on so many “Best Albums of All Time” lists among the mainstream publications. Add to the fact that everybody on the hipster scene worships Lou Reed while everybody on the pseudo-elitist message boards adores John Cale. Therefore, this album was a “must” if I ever wanted to build my “cred”. At the time, I was just getting into music and album collecting, so I was under the impression that this was one of the most essential albums. And if it was right up there, alongside the Stones and the Floyd, then I thought it was going to be as catchy and groovy as any other classic 60s album. And boy... was I wrong about that! I bought it, went home, put the CD on my stereo, hit play, and guess what? Three or four songs later I was knocked out on my bed.

SHY-GUY: You felt dead asleep?

JAVIER: Yeah! Next morning I decided to give it another chance. I put the CD, hit play and once again, three or four songs later I was knocked out on my bed. I had found an alternative cure to insomnia!

SHY-GUY: So you couldn’t get into the Velvet Underground?

JAVIER: That’s exactly right. So what I did, as was the case with some other records I never liked, I placed it on the shelf among the others in my growing collection according to alphabetical order (or chronological order, or genre order or whatever my “order” mood was at the time) and I never listened to it again.

SHY-GUY: Never?

JAVIER: No, no. I mean, fast forward a few years later, my ears are rather more receptive to all sorts of styles of music. My taste in different genres is more sophisticated and I was more open-minded to all sorts of sounds. Additionally, I had read how the VU created the original template to the modern Indie music scene. In other words, the alternative to the alternative. As I became more educated in pop/rock history, I began to greatly appreciate the works of many artists that I had previously dismissed. One night, I pulled my copy of the “banana peel” album off the shelf. It was like a brand new CD. The jewel case, as fragile as they are, didn’t have a scratch on it. I put the CD on, hit play, and I start listening to The Velvet Underground & Nico from beginning to end, the way these albums are meant to be enjoyed. I’m telling you man, it was incredible. Everything just clicked inside my head the moment I hear the first sweet notes on John Cale’s celesta. I mean, how in the hell did I not love this song the on the day I first listened to it? Wow. It was like listening to “Sunday Morning” with a new pair of ears. I thought to myself, “so that’s what they hype was all about.” Definitely one of the best records of all time. And the most curious thing of all was that here I’ve owned this album for so long and I couldn’t begin to approach it until now.

SHY-GUY: Were you high?

JAVIER: No.

SHY-GUY: Are you high right now?

JAVIER: No, dude!

SHY-GUY: So what’s the moral of this story?

JAVIER: The moral of this story my dear friend is that music is an acquired taste. I believe that the best records can best be appreciated by those who have developed an ear that is sophisticated enough to process the full sonic expression of the musician’s intended artistic message. But wait, there are times when people come up to me and tell me: “Hey Javier, this music is so weird. Are you really digging this sound?” or “Your taste in music is so strange. You have to be really messed up in the head to get into this.” Oh, well excuse me for seeking out far more fascinating and interesting bands than your favorite MTV2 pop star or rapper! Why don’t you go back to your car and tune in to FM radio and maybe you’ll catch Maroon 5’s newest hit. You don’t want to miss it because they won’t play it again for the next thirty minutes or so.

SHY-GUY: Hmmm. What’s the secret to expanding your musical taste?

JAVIER: It’s quite simple really. You just listen to music again, and again, again, and again, again. Every single day. You have to keep in mind that both the human body and the brain are a mold that can be shaped through constant repetition. This concept can be applied to all sorts of other activities. For example: If you want to be strong, you lift weights every day. If you want to be a great painter, you draw every day. If you want to be one of the best engineers, you study every day. If you want to be a great guitarist, you practice every day for as long as you fingers can go. And “taste” is no exception to this rule. If you want to expand your cultural horizons, so to speak, you watch as many movies as you can, you listen to as many albums as you can, you read as many great works of literature as you can. Repetition, repetition, repetition. But let it be known that this is not a mindless exercise. You’re not listening to an album for the sole purpose that you may move on to the next album and so on. As a listener, you also have to devote a little mental effort to what the artist is trying to accomplish with a record. You’ve got to pay attention to the lyrics, figure out the theme of the album, get in sync with the mood that the music generates. It’s not just a matter of sitting back, crossing your arms and say “Ok, I paid 15 bucks for this disc. Whattayagot? I demand to be entertained and you only get one shot!” That’s why bands like the Talking Heads, Devo, Animal Collective, Sigur Ros or anything Brian Eno’s ever made don’t appeal to a mainstream audience. You know, that massive audience for which Adult Oriented Rock or Adult Alternative is manufactured for. But they still have their loyal base of supporters that follow them around like a cult and buy all their records. But the truth of the matter is that the Brian Eno fan is not a creepy freak that lives in a dark cave somewhere in New Hampshire surrounded by giant computers that go “beep-bop”. He’s just a typical average guy who happens to listen to a shitload of music in his spare time. Probably in his working hours as well.

SHY-GUY: I doubt someone who’s not into music is going to listen to a record by Brian Eno or David Byrne and immediately turn into an audiophile.

JAVIER: I believe there is a trajectory one must follow to get to the point where someone has enough credibility to objectively judge what is good or what is bad.

SHY-GUY: But isn’t taste subjective. I don’t think you can have the same preferences as anyone else.

JAVIER: Yeah, I agree. Taste is indeed subjective. But we must also make the intellectual distinction that there is a difference between good or bad. It’s not a matter of opinion, and anyone who thinks otherwise is deluding himself.

SHY-GUY: But how can you say, for example, that Bob Dylan is a “Good” artist? Even the great Bob Dylan produced his share of lousy recordings along the way.

JAVIER: That’s precisely what I mean. You cannot objectively say that Dylan was good or bad. You cannot objectively say that Metallica is a good band or a terrible band. The key adverb here is “objectively”. An artist’s style of music is a matter of personal taste; There are fans who only listen to metal or punk while there are others who cannot get into anything else except Jazz. Taste is indeed subjective. However, an artist’s WORK can be judged according to the generally accepted principles of excellence. I’m talking about the work itself here. The final output. Example! Joy Division may be one of my favorite bands, but other people may not stand their style of bass heavy, evil post-punk. However, these people can say whatever they want, but that’s not going to change THE FACT that “Love Will Tear Us Apart” is a Good song. And that’s not my opinion, that’s just reality. The evidence is in the pressing.

SHY-GUY: Eh, I’m not completely convinced. What do you mean by “generally accepted principles of excellence”? How is it decided that a song is either “good” or “bad”? Was there like a clandestine committee out there that created an x-number of guidelines that an artist must follow to make a good song?

JAVIER: Now that’s just silly talk. No dude, there’s no secret committee or anything like that. All you have to do is to attentively listen to the song, and if you are cultivated music listener with an open-mind, you will realize that this particular song… is good. There’s no science to it.

SHY-GUY: So it is a matter of personal opinion!

JAVIER: Ahhhh! How can I explain this without my head exploding? Listen, I’m pretty sure I’m going to touch on this subject again when we talk about, I don’t know, movies or books. So why don’t we skip this argument until then?

SHY-GUY: Mmm. Let us do as you wish then.

JAVIER: Great.

SHY-GUY: What is your favorite band?

JAVIER: God-dammit!

SHY-GUY: I beg your pardon.

JAVIER: I’m sorry, it’s just that—

SHY-GUY: Did I forget something?

JAVIER: No, no. It’s just that… do you really have to ask that question?

SHY-GUY: You mean “What’s your favorite band?” Seems like a pretty innocent question to me.

JAVIER: Oh come on… It’s such a tired cliché! Where is this interview going to be printed? The fourth page in the USA Today’s Life pages?

SHY-GUY: Hey now. We’re proud of our journalistic integrity in the Evil CXB Corporation.

JAVIER: Well, surely you can do better than “What’s your favorite – insert product or service here”…

SHY-GUY: Could we just get your answer for the record?

JAVIER: Fine, fine fine finefinefine. Sigh. Let’s just say my favorite band is The Beatles and everybody else is fighting for second place.

SHY-GUY: Well, that wasn’t so difficult.

JAVIER: And here’s a little controversy for you. That question that you just asked me has only one correct answer and I gave it to you.

SHY-GUY: Didn’t you say a few minutes ago that your choice of favorite artists was a matter of personal taste?

JAVIER: Yeah, but you have to understand that the Fab Four are the exception that proves the rule. You want proof of the divine variety? I believe there is a passage in the second chapter from the Book of Genesis that is often overlooked by the church. It goes like this: By the seventh day God hath finished the work he hath done; so on the seventh day he rested from all the work he hath done. And God created a pair of Bose headphones which he blessed, took out his CD of the White Album and listened to it. And he sayeth to his children Adam and Eve, “Let it be known that The Beatles are the perfect band, and any Philistine who disagrees shall be stoned to death. For I am a loving God.” I should point out that I’m paraphrasing.

SHY-GUY: I can tell The Beatles are your favorite band.

JAVIER: You won’t find that passage in the King James version.

SHY-GUY: What about other bands?

JAVIER: What about them?

SHY-GUY: Are there any other artists that you want to mention that have, I don’t know, influence you and whatnot?

JAVIER: Yeah, I guess so.

SHY-GUY: …Like…

JAVIER: I don’t want to be here all day, y’know.

SHY-GUY: Ok. What if I mention a few notable bands and you tell me what you think of them?

JAVIER: Fair enough. Shoot away.

SHY-GUY: Nirvana.

JAVIER: Umm. They’re awright.

SHY-GUY: Neil Young.

JAVIER: Yea-um. He’s good.

SHY-GUY: Right, right. The Who?

JAVIER: They’re pretty good too. I like the Who.

SHY-GUY: All right, we have to stop right here.

JAVIER: What’s wrong? Those were some fine musicians that you mentioned.

SHY-GUY: Yeah, but what am I supposed to do with these answers? “Awright”, “pretty good”, “I like them”. My editor is going to fry me if I bring her this material.

JAVIER: Ha! Nirvana, Neil Young, The Who. Who else did you have in mind?

SHY-GUY: Let’s see…Radiohead, The Doors, Prince, David Bowie…

JAVIER: Jesus Christ! Spare me a Bible man! What else do you want me to say about these guys that hasn’t been said before a billion times already?

SHY-GUY: Hmm. Would there have been a difference in your reaction if I were to ask you about more obscure bands?

JAVIER: I don’t think so. But please, I’m curious enough to ask you which bands you think of as “obscure”.

SHY-GUY: I’m thinking along the lines of The Soft Boys, Magazine, Public Image, Cocteau Twins—

JAVIER: I would be hard pressed to peg those bands with the “obscure” label. These days there may be only a small number of music geeks familiar with late 70s underground bands like The Soft Boys, Magazine, The Cramps or The Flesh Eaters but back in those days they enjoyed a similar level of popularity compared to the followings created by local-indie acts.

SHY-GUY: What bands would you consider to be “obscure”?

JAVIER: Only the ones I haven’t listened to, obviously. And there are literally thousands of them. Any kid with a guitar, a laptop and a MySpace Music or YouTube account can be considered a “rock band”. So let’s not go there.

SHY-GUY: O-kay. Let me backtrack a little. How did you go from music indifference to fanaticism.

JAVIER: “Fanaticism” carries with it such a powerful connotation. I don’t think I’ve reached that level yet. After all, I only have around 400 CDs, 300 LP records and 20 Gigabytes worth of songs in my computer… probably more than that, I’m not too sure. I expect a fanatic to have, at the very least, 5,000 albums. Music is a food source for this type of human being. But back to your question! Mmmmm. I believe I started listening with earnest at the age of 18, during my first semester of college. Back then I used to live about 30 minutes away from campus, so I had to entertain myself somehow in my daily commute. Yeah, I was indifferent towards whatever the music trends were at the time, so I started by listening to the early morning talk shows in classic rock FM radio. Even though half the show’s bloc was filled by commercials, the signature prank callers and interviews were funny enough to dissuade from turning it off. And that’s how things went for the next couple of months. The soundtrack to my first year of college consisted of classic rock radio staples such as: Supertramp, REO Speedwagon, Bob Seger, Rush, ZZ Top, Lynyrd Skynyrd, BT-Overdrive, Kansas, Bon Jovi, Styx, John Mellencamp, Yes, Journey (Oh God, so much Journey), the Guess Who, um…. Thin Lizzy…

SHY-GUY: Who is that?

JAVIER: That’s the band that plays that song that goes “the boys are back in town!” and it’s got a great riff in the middle.

SHY-GUY: Oh. I think I remember that one.

JAVIER: I also got plenty of Posion, Foreigner, Stevie Ray Vaughan and Alice Cooper. But hey, it didn’t take long for me to notice how the station was playing the same songs over and over and over and over again. After a year of enduring the oldies, classic rock and 80s radio, I got fed up by all these AOR bands.

SHY-GUY: You got burned out by this style of guitar heavy album rock?

JAVIER: Well not completely, because I can still enjoy this type of music, but only in small doses. However, if my ear catches even a whisper of “Some people call me the space cowboy”[with drunken redneck accent] I pull the lever and run for the nearest fire exit. Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!

SHY-GUY: …

JAVIER: Another song I can’t stand anymore is that one that goes “But I'm a joker, I'm a smoker, I'm a midnight” something. God what an annoying riff. It’s like the guitar drank a bottle of Jack Daniels.

SHY-GUY: Wait, I believe I got it figured out!

JAVIER: Although that may be the same song.

SHY-GUY: Listen to this!

JAVIER: No, you listen to this.

SHY-GUY: …

JAVIER: Ok, go ahead.

SHY-GUY: I want to go back to your point about taste being subjective and how to judge music objectively.

JAVIER: Ugh. Do we really have to?

SHY-GUY: Try to bear with me on this one. Ok?

JAVIER: All right. Just let it be known that I’m not the only one being interviewed here.

SHY-GUY: All sarcasm aside, I agree with you that it is possible to analyze a person based on his musical preferences.

JAVIER: I don’t remember stating that—

SHY-GUY: Well, I’m merely expounding on your hypothesis that taste is merely subject to one’s own opinions. And, as well you may know, a person’s opinions are forged over a long period of time according to his own life experiences and education.

JAVIER: Don’t think me dense, but I still fail to see where you’re leading me with this.

SHY-GUY: Ah yes, yes, of course. Let me be more specific, then. Taste is indeed a matter of personal opinion, but what of the work itself? Ok, give me an example of a good song. Any good song that you can think of right away.

JAVIER: Let’s go with… Paranoid Android.

SHY-GUY: So Paranoid Android is an excellent example of a good song?

JAVIER: More like a good example of an excellent song.

SHY-GUY: Right. Well, whatever the case may be, let’s place Paranoid Android under the microscope. Tell me, what is it exactly, specifically about this song that makes it, as you define it, excellent?

JAVIER: Um… well, quite frankly, I don’t even know where to start.

SHY-GUY: What are the lyrics about?

JAVIER: Mmmm. I think it has something to do with… someone who yearns to be a king... Gucci little piggies… and how God loves his children.

SHY-GUY: In other words, you don’t know.

JAVIER: Well, not quite. I’m pretty sure it has something to do with someone who feels alienated by a world of consumerism and superficial belongings made out of plastic. Someone who can’t find inner peace when there’s all this loud chaos going on around him, and he feels like he wants to take out his frustrations on this corporate, manufactured world in some imaginary future. Of course, I might be wrong. (That’s a good song, also)

SHY-GUY: I see. And how would you rate the music?

JAVIER: Well, the song is this 6-minute blast of ultra-catchy hooks, amazing guitar solos, eerie vocal harmonies in this quiet-loud-quiet composition. I’m not a music critic, so I lack the vocabulary to properly give the song its well-deserved praise.

SHY-GUY: However, despite the fact that you cannot articulate the words and phrases to describe the intricacies of the song, you still dare to rate the song as “excellent”. That’s because, even though you can’t describe the song itself, you can at least describe your own emotions. That is, the emotions provoked by the song itself. You see, Paranoid Android is not a good song.

JAVIER: What?

SHY-GUY: Paranoid Android is not a bad song either. Ask yourself this: Can music, (or any other type of artistic work for that matter, whether it be film, painting, dance, sculpture, etc) be objectively labeled as good or bad? Excellent or terrible? Outstanding or disappointing? The honest answer is a resounding “No”. If we truly want to categorize or judge a work of art objectively we will eventually discover that art is neither good nor bad. It just is.

JAVIER: Is…?

SHY-GUY: Yes. Is.

JAVIER: Is… what?

SHY-GUY: No, that’s it. It just IS.

JAVIER: Oh. “Is”. I see. You’re like an ancient Greek philosopher now.

SHY-GUY: Well, not quite. But think of it this way: A work of art says more about ourselves than what we try to say about a work of art. Trying to judge a song or a painting is like trying to judge a rock or a river. They all exist in our realm of shape and forms. The only difference is that a song is a creation of man while a river is a creation of Nature. I suppose there’s a barrier within our unconscious which doesn’t let us judge a mountain because, quiet honestly, who are we to judge God’s creations, being one ourselves? So we limit our judgments to our own relatively petty creations.

JAVIER: I can rate a mountain range. I give the Rockies a 7.5 out of 10. Not as many good slopes for skiing as the Alps.

SHY-GUY: Yes. Very amusing.

JAVIER: You can accuse me of being skeptical, but I don’t buy it. These types of theories are proved by extreme examples. Let us compare then, Ludwig Van Beethoven’s 9^th Symphony to… “We Built this City on Rock and Roll” by Starship. I dare you to claim in front of me that the 9^th Symphony, the justification for the whole existence of humankind on this planet, is not better than the (arguably) worst pop song made in the last fifty years.

SHY-GUY: That is indeed an extreme example… from your perspective. But not from mine. I’m confident that 99% of the world’s population will agree with you that they prefer the 9^th Symphony to “We Built this City”, but that is a matter of taste. And like you stated before, taste is subjective. The 9^th Symphony, the 3^rd, “Like a Rolling Stone”, “This Land is My Land”, or some avant-garde composition by Philip Glass, it doesn’t matter. They are songs. They’re nothing but expressions of the artist who created them. Just like an ordinary person speaks with words, a musician speaks with music. However, anything that is expressed by another person has the inherent power to move us, to shake us, to produce an emotional reaction out of us, whether it be strong or weak. What’s going to be your reaction when somebody who’s really, really angry and mad at you, starts yelling very loudly at you YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE! YOU SCREWED UP MY ORDER, YOU RETARD!

JAVIER: Well… I would probably get offended. (You didn't have to yell at me to make your point)

SHY-GUY: Surely you’ve been involved in situations when you’re facing someone who’s scolding you or threatening you.

JAVIER: Err, more than once. I know how it is to get really upset at somebody. I get that feeling like my face is turning red with anger while I’m trying to keep my cool. Not very pleasant.

SHY-GUY: And that is all been accomplished by an oral expression. There’s no physical contact. This is nothing but an idea shaped into words coming out of someone’s mouth. Well, music is an expression also. But its aim is, mainly, to please its listeners.

JAVIER: But I suppose that all depends on the intended message of the artist.

SHY-GUY: Yes, you’re right. Some songs are filled with euphoric anger while others are saturated with messages of hope and joyfulness. How well they communicate this message depends on the receiver, not on the sender. Why? Because the message has been sent. It’s right there in the song, that expression of pain, sorrow, lust, friendship, whatever. Some listeners are more receptive or open-minded than others, that’s the issue here. That’s why an album get a 5-star rating from some critic while the same albums gets a 3-star rating from another critic. Even though the lyrical theme of Paranoid Android, as you interpret it, is a rather bleak view of modern pop culture, the reason you think Paranoid is such an excellent song is because you rate the it according to how well the message has been received by YOU. And you can tell how effectively the message was received by the depth of your own emotional reaction (a reaction, which by the way, varies according to your current state of mind, as well as some other variants).

JAVIER: Mmm. In other words, from what I understand is that we, the fans, don’t really rate an artist as a musician, but as a communicator.

SHY-GUY: Exactly. And that’s because we can only judge what we know. Most fans don’t know anything about music. They don’t know anything about tempo, chords, time signatures, vocal notes, never mind playing a guitar, drums… I assume you don’t know how to play an instrument.

JAVIER: Err… outside of Guitar Hero, no, I’m afraid not.

SHY-GUY: Well, don’t feel bad. I don’t either. But that doesn’t exclude us from expressing our opinions over somebody’s music. However, we don’t really rate the music itself. Remember that the music is merely a vehicle for the message, a message that resonates within us and provokes an emotional reaction. The only element that we rate is how effectively that message is received by us.

JAVIER: Hmmmm. Would that theory help to explain why Pinkerton got such a bad reception at the beginning and then it changed and now it’s lauded as one of the best albums of all time?

SHY-GUY: The ridiculousness of it all it’s right there in that statement. Change. The music didn’t change. The songs that came out when the album was released are exactly the same as when the album was wildly accepted a few years later. The band didn’t go back to the studio to modify the tracks or edit out some lyrics. How stupid is that? The work is done, the words are spoken, nothing changed. The public’s opinion of it changed. The public’s opinion went from “worst album of the year” to “best album Weezer ever made”. But it’s not like Pinkerton went into the gym or studied for more hours. It was the same. Fucking. Album. All along.

JAVIER: By your own logic, I guess you could say the same thing about the expression “the album grew in me”. The album didn’t grow in me, I grew into liking the album. The same way with me and that first Velvet Underground record. The VU didn’t grow more accessible. It was me who reached a level of education and/or sophistication that I hadn’t reached before.

SHY-GUY: Exactly! Music has the ability to connect with us because of our experiences. That’s why you can tell a lot about a person just by looking at his own record collection. Or his taste in movies. Art can not only provide us with a window into an artist’s mind; the reaction created by an artistic expression also lets us analyze the mind of the listener or the viewer. After all, a work of art is basically a message that is communicated by a sender, and in this transaction, a receiver is just as essential as the sender.

JAVIER: No comprendo.

SHY-GUY: …

JAVIER: …

SHY-GUY: What?

JAVIER: …

SHY-GUY: There’s a weird woman standing behind your window.

JAVIER: JESUS CHRIST!!! WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT SHIT!!!?