Curtains Come Up

SHY-GUY: Yeah, I know. It’s quite the unusual development—

JAVIER: Uh-hu…

SHY-GUY: I mean, it really took me by surprise!

JAVIER: Totally out of left field, uh?

SHY-GUY: Tell me about it! Another more proper way to put it would be like, you’re doing a blind taste at one of those promotional stands you see in the supermarket, you know which ones I’m talking about, right?

JAVIER: Yeah, yeah. The ones where sweet old ladies are offering free samples to customers.

SHY-GUY: Right, but these are the ones where they want you to try two competing products and thereafter choose which one you liked the most.

JAVIER: Hate to interrupt you there buddy, but don’t you mean which one you liked “best”?

SHY-GUY: No. I believe I’m using the correct grammar. Which one I liked… the “most”. Don’t argue with me on this.

JAVIER: As you wish, but you’ll have to get back to me on this one because now I’m not too sure.

SHY-GUY: Anyway, the story goes that you’re wearing this blindfold and you’re expecting to drink a glass of cold water, ok?—

JAVIER: Oh yeah, very refreshing.

SHY-GUY: …but when you start swallowing the stuff, and the liquid is in your throat, you realize that what you’re drinking is not water at all!

JAVIER: Yikes. I bet that realization must’ve been a shock in itself.

SHY-GUY: And after a couple of seconds of trying to figure out what the hell it was that you swallowed, you are told that you took a big gulp of CASTOR OIL!

JAVIER: Eww.

SHY-GUY: I mean, it’s not poison…

JAVIER: No kidding.

SHY-GUY: …but it was still disgusting.

JAVIER: Disgusting AND totally unexpected.

SHY-GUY: Yeah, and that’s the thing that sets this moment apart!

JAVIER: I’ll say. That’s a moment that is going to haunt for you quite awhile, my friend.

SHY-GUY: Hey, you don’t have to tell me, man. Those memories get etched into your brain like an epitaph.

JAVIER: God! That’s unbelievable. So, how were you able to get the taste out of your mouth?

SHY-GUY: Hmm?

JAVIER: The—the taste of castor oil. How were you able to remove it?

SHY-GUY: What? Oh! No, no, no no no no. That never actually happened to me—

JAVIER: The blind taste?

SHY-GUY: Oh no, I think you misinterpreted my story here—

JAVIER: So you never drank any castor oil?

SHY-GUY: No, that…that was just a… y’know, a metaphor!

JAVIER: I don’t understand, you made up that story?

SHY-GUY: No! This was simply a parable of what *really* happened to me. You remember that occurrence that took me by surprise that I was telling you about?

JAVIER: It’s just that you gave out so many details that for a moment there I thought you had really drunk castor oil.

SHY-GUY: Yeah, but that’s beside the point. I simply wanted to illustrate the nature of my predicament.

JAVIER: Oh, Ok. Then what were we talking about?

SHY-GUY: We were, umm…I’m sorry what’s the question?

JAVIER: I completely forgot what you were complaining about. This ‘predicament’ of yours.

SHY-GUY: Oh! It was just this little misadventure I had with this girl that—

JAVIER: Hold on, can you tell me what time is it?

SHY-GUY: What? Oh, it’s um. Heh, I’m not even wearing a watch. Let me check my cell phone here. It’s…almost noon.

JAVIER: Might as well get started with this interview thing, don’t you think?

SHY-GUY: Aye, you’re right. Let me just place this little gadget over here so we can get started…By the way, how are you feeling? You’re finally getting the all-inclusive interview treatment.

JAVIER: Heh. I’m still young. I wouldn’t mind waiting a couple more years.

SHY-GUY: That may be, but my managing editor, being the Nazi cunt that she is, pushed me hard to go ahead and get your thoughts on the record, while you’re still alive.

JAVIER: What? Someone put a hit on me already? But I haven’t said anything. Yet.

SHY-GUY: No, it’s just that my editor has this loony personal philosophy that if we can get it done in one day, then let it be today. Otherwise, if we postpone things for tomorrow, who knows what, er, unprecedented events might happen that could prevent…you know.

JAVIER: Err…Sounds a bit weird, but it kinda makes sense.

SHY-GUY: I mean, I’m not trying to jinx you or anything—

JAVIER: No, no, that’s ok. I’m free all day anyway. I’m sorry if I forgot to ask until now, but would you like anything? Some cognac?

SHY-GUY: Ummm. No thanks. Not while I’m on the clock.

JAVIER: Oh good. ‘Cause I’m all out of cognac. I’ll help myself to a glass of rum and cola, so don’t mind me. Are you sure you don’t want anything?

SHY-GUY: Mmm. I’m cool.

JAVIER: Hey, “make yourself at home” and all that.

SHY-GUY: Ok, let’s get down to work…ugh, kinda makes it sound like an annoying chore whenever I say that.

JAVIER: Now where did I put my Ikea stiller set?

SHY-GUY: Ok listen up.

JAVIER: Ah, here it is.

SHY-GUY: This is how I think we should do this. We’re going to segment this interview into different subjects, that way we can discuss a specific subject without jumping off point and finding ourselves in the middle of an argument over something completely unrelated. We gotta stay on track. For example, we’ll have a part devoted to religion, another part devoted to politics, and then another part devoted to, I don’t know—

JAVIER: Kinky sex.

SHY-GUY: Yeah, kinky sex. And another segment that will cover…ok, you get idea. Please, feel free to be as eloquent as possible. You don’t have to worry about diction, accent, enunciation or anything of the sort. We’ll fix all that in the editing process.

JAVIER: Well that’s a relief. I can get very self-conscious [about that].

SHY-GUY: All-righty then. I’ll make some open-ended questions and you’ll just rant away to your heart’s content.

JAVIER: Sounds good. When are you going to start recording?

SHY-GUY: Oh, well, actually this thing has been recording our conversation for the last five minutes or so.

JAVIER: Really?

SHY-GUY: Yeah, just a bunch of nonsense drivel so far.

JAVIER: Are you cool if I keep a copy of the transcript?

SHY-GUY: Oh yeah, no problem with me. If you want you can even post this interview in your Facebook profile.

JAVIER: I don’t have a Facebook account.

SHY-GUY: Or MySpace, or whichever the fad of the month is nowadays. Don’t know. Don’t care. Our legal staff consists of a pet monkey in a three piece suit.

JAVIER: Aww, that’s adorable.

SHY-GUY: So you don’t have to worry about signing contracts or release statements or anything of the sort. We’re not Viacom or News Corp. here. [blink]

JAVIER: Well, enough razzle-dazzle. Where do you want me to start?

SHY-GUY: Let’s see…my first request would be for you to give us a quick introduction of yourself.

JAVIER: Like how? Like this, “Hey, how you doing, folks? Are you ready to be mesmerized, hypnotized and brainwashed until you can’t tell night from day? Then hop on aboard my friends! You’re on a one-way trip to Stockholm!” Kinda like that?

SHY-GUY: No, just a formal introduction. Imagine this is a job interview and you wanna tell the HR fellow who you are, very professional-like.

JAVIER: So you just want my name, age, and that kind of info.

SHY-GUY: Yeah. Basically.

JAVIER. Ok. It shouldn’t be a problem to pull it off quickly. >Ahem<

SHY-GUY: Umm. Go ahead.

JAVIER: La La La La. Do Re Do Re. Mi Fa Sol La Si. I – Am – Test - Ing – My - Vocal - Chords. One Two. One Two. Syphilis. Syphilis. One Two -- All right, that should be enough! Don’t want to overdo it.

SHY-GUY: That was arguably the shortest vocal warm ups that I’ve had to sit through.

JAVIER: Time is the irretrievable element, my friend. We’ve got much to ground to cover. Moving on, I’m ready for my intro. Are you ready? Good. Do I have to get closer to this thing?

SHY-GUY: No, you can lean back in your chair as if you were carrying a typical conversation with me. The recorder will be able to pick up every noise made in the room. Hopefully.

JAVIER: Awesome. Make note of the exact time, because I’m ready to roll. Edit on three. Ready. One. Two. … Maah….ugh.

SHY-GUY: What happened?

JAVIER: I’m sorry, I hit a high note there. Let me just have a little sip from my rather cold and refreshing Bacardi Rum and Coke on the rocks. Ahhhhhhhhh. That should do it. Ok, cut, take two. Edit on three. One. Two. … My name is Javier Carbajal, I’m 25 years old. I was born in Mexico City, where I’m currently residing. I’m a college graduate from the University of Houston Clear Lake with a degree in Marketing. I’m single and my favorite color is red. And black. Ok, how was that? Should I do another take or—

SHY-GUY: Oh no, no, if there’s anything to fix, we’ll do it later.

JAVIER: I think we should do another take though.

SHY-GUY: Yeah but why?

JAVIER: Well, I’m 26 years old.

SHY-GUY: More experience to you.

JAVIER: No, it’s just that---did I say I was 26 or 25. Can you go back and check?

SHY-GUY: Aw, come on—

JAVIER: I’m pretty sure I said 25. Clumsy, uh? Let’s do another take.

SHY-GUY: F-Y-I, This is not a movie.

JAVIER: Please we have to cooperate here. I’m sure you’re working on a limited budget but I wanna make sure everything comes out as perfect as humanly possible.

SHY-GUY: I don’t have you in my files as being the perfectionist type but I’ll play along. Make up!

JAVIER: No need to be a smart ass now. Stand by. Take three. Edit on three. One. Two. … Hi, you’re calling the residence of—heh, my bad, wrong mind set. Cut! Ok. Edit on three. I mean…Take Five! I mean…Four! Edit on three. One. Two. … My name is Javier Carbajal, I’m 26 years old. Umm. I was born in Mexico City. I’m a college graduate from the University of Marketing with a bachelor in Houston. I’m living in college…and shit. That came out all wrong.

SHY-GUY: We can always do this later.

JAVIER: Are you sure? Because if you want, I can give it another try. I just have to ‘Focus’!

SHY-GUY: Well, if it really were up to me—

JAVIER: Where did I put my drink?

SHY-GUY: You said it yourself, we have a lot of ground to cover.

JAVIER: Ok, Stand by.

SHY-GUY: Right.

JAVIER: Are we standing by?

SHY-GUY: Am I supposed to stand somewhere?

JAVIER: If you wish you may stand by the table to your right.

SHY-GUY: Can I stay seated?

JAVIER: Sure, no one is telling you to stand up. But do abstain from making noises. Ok, Take…what take is this?

SHY-GUY: Three, I think.

JAVIER: You think?

SHY-GUY: What? No. Wait, what are we doing? Listen, I think we got enough personal info to work with.

JAVIER: Hey, I’m always more than happy to provide the masses with valuable personal information. Are you sure you won’t need anything else?

SHY-GUY: No, that won’t be necessary.

JAVIER: My family tree? My checking account number? A copy of my driver’s license?

SHY-GUY: Ha, I’m telling you, if it weren’t for that sardonic smile, I would accuse you of being the meanest jerk walking the Earth.

JAVIER: I’m flattered. What’s next, then?

SHY-GUY: Next! We relax, and we give you a couple of minutes to collect your thoughts.

JAVIER: Ok, that’ll give me enough time to check my mailbox.

SHY-GUY: Hold on a sec, it’ll be preferable if you don’t leave the room. That way we won’t have to worry about any external sources of tension that might conflict with your thought processing.

JAVIER: What? I just want to check my mailbox.

SHY-GUY: Ah, you can do that after we’re done. Think about it! What if you open the mail box and you find inside a letter over some unfortunate event or an unexpected notice from the IRS, or whatever the equivalent is here in Mexico, or whoever? That letter is going to be nagging at your thoughts throughout the evening like a woodpecker and I’m not going to be able to get your full and undivided commitment.

JAVIER: Do you always talk like that?

SHY-GUY: No. But I’m supposed to tell you that during this interview we highly encourage from you dialogue of the highly intellectual type.

JAVIER: Damn. I’ll see what I can do. What about cursing or swearing?

SHY-GUY: Editorial is indifferent towards rough language.

JAVIER: Fucking ‘A’.

SHY-GUY: Another good idea would be to turn off your cell phone.

JAVIER: Yes. Very prudent.

SHY-GUY: What do you think should be first on the agenda? I’m thinking we should start talking about your school experience first.

JAVIER: Ashhhhh. Exactly the kind of topic that I wanted to leave for last.

SHY-GUY: But why? I mean, I’m sure you got some fascinating stories and insights regarding college and high school. If there are any readers out there, they are probably going to be more interested in your past than on theoretical concepts or whatever it is you want to talk about.

JAVIER: I don’t want to do school. I rather talk politics first.

SHY-GUY: What are the odds of me changing your mind?

JAVIER: Probably 1 in a million.

SHY-GUY: Fine, let’s kick start with politics then.

JAVIER: I changed my mind. Let’s do music instead

.

SHY-GUY: (*Sighs and rolls eyes) If I could only get paid by the hour.

[insert stupid canned laugh track here]

THE EVIL CXB CORPORATION PRESENTS: THE JAVIER CARBAJAL INTERVIEW